How Halloween Helped Me Realize I Had an Eating Disorder

An instant photo taken by a trick-or-treater on Halloween more than 15 years ago showed me the scary side of being too skinny.

There's room for pumpkins and cupcakes in a healthy eating plan.

On a cold, windy Halloween more than 15 years ago, I was at my aunt’s house. She only had one trick-or-treater that day. I answered the door, and a girl with an instant camera asked if she could take my picture. I gave her a bag of chips; she gave me the photo. I set the photo on a desk to develop, not thinking much about it. About half an hour later, I looked at the image staring back at me in the photo.

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The picture showed a young woman with sunken cheeks, swimming in size zero jeans and an extra small shirt. Was that me? I thought.

I looked extremely skinny—a very unhealthy kind of skinny. Thoughts from the months leading up to that Halloween crept into my mind—how I was always striving for perfection, how I used to exercise constantly, how I would meticulously plan every calorie I ate.

Those were some deep, dark, scary days.

I knew enough about disordered eating and body image to know that all of the things I was doing were characteristics of an eating disorder. This photo helped me solidify that I did indeed have an eating disorder. I wondered: How long could I keep going like this? Could I hide it? Could I get better?

I did eventually overcome an eating disorder. Read my award-winning book 108 Yoga and Self-Care Practices for Busy Mamas (MSI Press, 2019) to learn about my turning point and how I brought myself back to health.

Every Halloween, I think about that picture and how far I have advanced my understanding of healthy eating and body image.

Most importantly, I learned that skinny does not equal healthy. Healthy equals healthy. Today, instead of striving to be a certain size, my aim is to be healthy and to feel better.