I Realized I Had an Eating Disorder on Halloween

A trick-or-treater snapped a spontaneous photo that revealed the frightening consequences of being too thin, prompting me to acknowledge my eating disorder.

I realized I had an eating disorder on Halloween.

One cold, windy Halloween when I was 19 years old, I was at my aunt’s house. She had one trick-or-treater that day. I answered the door, and a girl with an instant camera asked if she could take my picture. I gave her a bag of chips; she gave me the photo.

I set the photo on a desk to develop, not thinking much about it. About 30 minutes later, I looked at the image staring back at me.

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The picture showed a young woman with sunken cheeks, swimming in size zero jeans and a shirt in size extra small. Was that REALLY me? I thought.

I did not look physically healthy. Thoughts from the months leading up to that Halloween crept into my mind—how I was always striving for perfection, how I was exercising constantly, how I would meticulously plan every calorie I ate.

Those were deep, dark, scary days.

I knew enough about eating disorders and body image to know one thing: I needed help. This photo helped me solidify that I had an eating disorder. I wondered: How long could I keep going like this? Would I ever get better?

I did eventually recover from my eating disorder. Read my award-winning book 108 Yoga and Self-Care Practices for Busy Mamas to learn about my turning point and how I got the help I needed.

Every Halloween, I think about that picture.

Today, instead of striving to be a certain size, my aim is to be healthy and to feel better.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, visit the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders to access resources that can support you.